You'd Do The Same For Me

I find I enjoy writing this blog most when something hits me and I feel led to sit down and immediately start writing. That led to the blog posts on Michael Jackson, the cruise and the bathing suit story to name a few. Lately, nothing much was coming my way and I was getting a little worried...until this afternoon.

I'm actually writing this on August 24, the last day of summer vacation for my daughter Abigail. I decided to take the day off to spend time with her and Jane and one thing we did was go to the movies. We saw The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. I don't know what the critics had to say but we liked it a lot and laughed out loud a number of times. We give it six thumbs up, two for each of us so check it out sometime.

I won't go into detail regarding the plot because that's not the topic of this week's post. Here's what inspired me -- at one point in the movie, Andrew Paxon (Ryan Reynolds) responds to Margaret Tate (Sandra Bullock) saying, "You'd do the same for me." As soon as I heard that it was as if a light bulb went on and instantly I knew that I was supposed to write about that phrase. So here goes, right off the top!

Reciprocity is the psychological principle that describes the feeling we have where we want to "repay the favor," so to speak. When someone does something for us we feel obligated to respond in kind. As someone looking to persuade people it's important to understand this principle and to know how to respond after you've helped someone.

Quite often, when we do something for another person they reply by simply saying, "Thanks." After all, it's just good manners to be thankful. However, as the persuader, the one who did something that elicited the "thanks," people drop the ball far more than they hang on to it. I say that because here's how most people respond:

1. "No problem."
2. "No big deal, I'd have done it for anyone."
3. Or worst of all, they say nothing.

People might respond as I've described above because they feel uncomfortable being praised but the bad thing is, in each case they'd discounted what they've done. When you do something for another it might not mean much to you but it obviously meant something to the other person. I remember a friend thanking me once for calling him each month to see if we could meet for lunch. Because I'd set up a recurring task in Outlook to remind me to call him I jokingly replied, "It's not that I'm so nice, I'm just good with my computer." When he heard that he said, "So what, I really appreciate it." It wasn't a big deal for me to create the task or to take a few moments to make the call but it meant a lot to him.

How many times do you fumble away opportunities as I've described? While there can be many responses better than the three I've listed above, I'll give you just one; "George, I'm sure you'd do the same for me if the tables were turned." Adding the name personalizes the response and gently puts the person on notice that you recognize a favor was done. That makes it much easier for you to ask for a favor down the road when you need help because you've reinforced what you did and, as I've already described, people feel compelled to return the favor.

I'm not advocating doing things to set people up. What I do advocate is genuinely offering help when people need it and you have the resources, skills or whatever else they need. You do so not thinking about what you want from them but you also don't have to fumble away any potential opportunities either. So next time you hear, "Thanks," for having done something, try saying some variation of "You'd do the same for me." That might not make you as big a hit as The Proposal but I bet it will be far better than what you're probably doing now.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes!"

Is Persuasion Manipulation?

Is persuasion manipulation? I recently read The Hidden Persuaders by Vance Packard, a book written in the mid-1950s to alert people to how advertisers were getting the public to buy products using their understanding of psychology. It paints the social psychologists who worked with big companies in a negative light and described "the advertising man" as a "journeyman psychologist." The cover of the book and the opening paragraph both state, "Many of us are being influenced and manipulated in the patterns of our everyday lives."

I enjoyed the read and have to agree in part because there are people who take advantage of their understanding of psychology in order to get what they want. Reading it made me think it was time to address the topic of manipulation. If we're to talk about manipulation we need to know what manipulation is. I looked up "manipulate" in several dictionaries and while they all vary somewhat their definitions, the word boils down to a couple of meanings, one good and one bad:

1. to handle or use skillfully (i.e., a carpenter manipulates wood - good)
2. to control something or someone cleverly or deviously (the car salesman manipulated me - bad)

I think it's safe to say the words manipulate, manipulated and manipulation all carry negative connotations today. After all, no one wants to be manipulated and no one wants to be known as a manipulator.

When it comes to understanding manipulation we need to understand motive. I love a quote from The Art of Woo by G. Richard Shell and Mario Moussa. They wrote, "An earnest and sincere lover buys flowers and candy for the object of his affections. So does the cad who succeeds to take advantage of another’s heart. But when the cad succeeds, we don’t blame the flowers and candy. We rightly question his character."

Understanding influence and persuasion is completely neutral like the flowers and candy noted above. Why a man uses the flowers and candy as he does, or why a person uses persuasion and influence is the real question. In each case you have to wonder if the person is only looking out for #1 -- what's in their best interests.

The term "win-win" is popular today. It's encouraged in business and negotiations if you want to maintain a relationship with another person or organization. That needs to be kept in the forefront when it comes to using persuasion. You have to ask yourself, "Is what I'm asking this person, or company, to do in the best interests of all parties?" If it is and you're being truthful in your approach then you can probably feel okay about proceeding.

Something else to consider. As you learn more and more about influence and persuasion, wouldn't it be foolish to not use that understanding when making requests of others? If you knew there was a better way to hear "Yes" then why would you not use that method? If you felt bad that someone agreed then perhaps you have to step back and ask yourself whether or not your request -- influence and persuasion aside -- was legitimate to begin with.

Here's an interesting side bar: it was this very topic that got me in touch with Dr. Cialdini. When I read an ad for one of his videos it read, "Call it influence, persuasion...even manipulation." Knowing his stance on ethics I emailed the organization saying I don't think he'd agree or appreciate that description of his work. His company, Influence at Work, found out about my email and called me. That's what led to him becoming a guest speaker at State Auto in the summer of 2004, my attendance at his two-day Principles of Persuasion workshop and eventually my certification as a CMCT (Cialdini Method Certified Trainer).

On a more personal note - I used flowers, candy and a Rolls Royce on my wife's 23rd birthday to "influence" her decision when I asked her to marry me. I think she'd agree it's been a win-win relationship.

Before I let you go I want to point out the very cool drawing from a friend, Mike Franzese. Mike is in the advertising business and has a blog, Franzeseinklings, that I follow. I liked his drawings so much that I asked him for a picture that conveyed manipulation. I think you'll agree, he did a terrific job! Keep an eye out for more from him and give his blog a follow.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes! "

Are You "An" Authority or "In" Authority

Okay, it's not 5:30 PM on Monday so why the new post? Well, I received an invitation from Mike Figliuolo at thoughtLeaders, LLC, to write a guest article and I didn't want to pass up a great opportunity.

I met Mike several months ago and we've become friends and colleagues. We regularly share ideas over lunch and he's been a tremendous help to me as I've developed my blog. Look for some guest articles from him on Influence PEOPLE in the future. For now, click here to read Are You "An" Authority or "In" Authority.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes!"

My Best Parenting Advice Ever!

This week I'm going to share what I consider to be my best parenting advice ever. I only wish I would have figured this out sooner!

I'm the parent of a teenager now. Our daughter, Abigail, will be starting the 8th grade next week and it's amazed me how much change has taken place in the last year. Simply incredible! If you have a teenager - or lived through that stage with one - then I'm sure you can relate. Not only are they physically maturing, their likes and dislikes are changing right along with their personalities. One of the biggest challenges isgetting them to do what we ask them to do, especially when it's good for them.

Abigail has always tested very high on standardized tests when it comes to listening. When we read through The Chronicles of Narnia, all seven books, then restarted the series, she amazed me when she asked me to reread a section. I reread a sentence and she said, "I don't remember that the first time [we read the book]." Bear in mind, we'd read the book months before and she picked out one word she didn't remember hearing the first time. I share that so you'll know, she's got great ears and ability to listen - when she wants to. Therein lies the parenting challenge.

One day I came home and she'd left to spend the night at a friend's house. Unfortunately she left the house in total disarray. There was Sloppy Joe mix still in the pan, Mac 'n Cheese in the pot, dishes in the sink. I called her, read her the riot act and told her there would be a consequence when she came home. Moments later I received a text saying she was sorry and offered up her phone as punishment. I thought, "The criminal doesn't get to set their sentence," so I came up with something much better!

I had a book I wanted her to read over the summer, Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl. If you've not read it I highly recommend it. Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist in Germany when WWII broke out. He survived three years in four difference concentration camps and wrote about his experience from a clinical point of view. My take away from the book was this; no matter what's taken from us, no one can ever take away our freedom to choose where we will place our thoughts. With that power we are free and can endure almost any hardship. I thought that would be a valuable lesson for Abigail to learn early in life.

When she got home I told her no TV or computer until she read the book. Of course she didn't like that but I reminded her the discipline would be short if she buckled down and read it in a day or two. On the other hand, it could last quite some time if she dragged her feet and complained. She got through the book in about three days and then we talked about it. Now I have a point of reference when she complains because her "hardships" are nothing compared to Frankl's.

This blog is about influence so you might be wondering how I'm going to tie this into influence. Here's my influence strategy - I told Abigail next time she disobeyed it would be another book of my choosing. As you can imagine, we don't share the same taste in books. She's into the Twilight series and my preferences are more inclined to learning and self-improvement. I also told her I would set out the next book as a visual reminder. Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive is sitting on the dining room table as I type!

I like to believe at 45 years old I'm still a little smarter than she is even though most teenagers think mom and dad are idiots. I reminded her, "No matter what I win because, either you do what I say or you'll be smarter." Now that's a win-win for me and whether or not she realizes it, it will be a win for her in the long run too. I encourage you to give it a try and I'm not clowning around!

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes!"

Golf Advice from Corey Pavin

Who would you believe when it comes to golf advice, me or Corey Pavin? When it comes to golf I think my resume is pretty good - I broke 90 a few times and I've meet Jack Nicklaus. I'll grant you Corey Pavin has more room to boast -- 1995 U.S. Open Champion and top five finisher in The Masters, The PGA Championship and The British Open. But should that really make a difference?

Here's the scoop. My wife Jane is BIG time into golf. I joke with people and say the only difference between her and Tiger Woods is nine holes a week...and a really big paycheck! Several years ago I shared something with her that I often share in sales training when we talk about attitude and focus.

When I'm teaching about attitude I ask how many participants play golf and lots of hands go up. Next I ask, "When you come to a hole with water, what do you think?" Inevitably I hear, "Don't go in the water." So I ask another question, "Where does your ball usually end up." You guessed it, "In the water!" Then we talk about the power of focus and how our brains don't really process the "don't" in a statement because the brain focuses on the object, which happens to be the water for most golfers. To cure the problem I tell them they have to focus on what they want, which might be, "Go left, aim left."

This post isn't about golf so I'll get to the point. I shared that training tip with Jane one evening and about two weeks later she was reading a golf book I'd gotten her and said, "Listen to what Corey Pavin says..." She proceeded to tell me exactly what I shared two weeks earlier! I said, "I told you that," but she denied ever hearing that advice come from my lips. "Don't you remember a couple of weeks ago when I told you about my training class?" A blank stare and more denials from her so I said, "Oh, if I say it, it's not true but if Corey Pavin says it then it's true?"

That was a true statement because sometimes it's not what you say, it's what people hear. Why did she believe Corey Pavin and forget what I'd said? Because he was an authority, a recognized expert when it comes to golf and I'm not. He and I can say the same thing but people will believe him more because of who he is and what he's accomplished.

Have you ever come up with an idea and seen it fall flat but then someone else shares it and it's a success? Don't feel bad because it happens all the time in business and at home. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and recognize the idea or message will be received better if it comes from someone else. I believe what goes around comes around and you'll eventually be recognized for your good ideas and advice but it can take time.

Parents, you can tell your kids to eat their veggies all you want but if Lebron James, Tiger Woods or Tom Brady tells them to eat their veggies, who do you think they'll listen to more? The sports figures of course.

When our daughter Abigail was little she was a fussy eater like most kids. We could ask her, tell her or threaten her to eat all her food to no avail. But she was always good at the doctor's office so Jane used to tell her she had the doctor on the phone and he said she better eat all her dinner...and bang, the plate was clean! He was an authority, the doctor, and she knew to listen to him.

Now that Abigail is older and works out with her mom I knew she might not work as hard as she should so I got in touch with an ex-Ohio State football player at the gym. I asked him to have a talk with Abigail and he did so the first day she went to the gym. She sometimes doesn't listen to mom but she listens to him because he's an authority in her eyes.

I think you get the point. Sometimes to get what you want you'll be better off to let the message come from another. In future posts we'll talk about how to enhance your authority so you won't have to turn to others.

P.S. Now when I want something I start with "Jane, Corey Pavin says..." Sometimes it works but I think Jane's on to me.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes!"

Are You a Twitter Snob?

I'm still a total novice, a geek you might say, when it comes to Twitter. I signed up at the advice of a friend and have mostly tried to use it as a tool to promote this blog. Facebook continues to be the place where I get more personal.

Because I just didn't feel I was getting the hang of Twitter I bought Twitter Power by Joel Comm. For my wife and daughter, the fact that I would buy and read a book like that confirms them that I am indeed a geek, a twit, a tweet.

As I type this I'm half way through the book and have learned several good pointers. But, this post isn't about the book; rather it's about what I'm observing about Twitter from a social influence standpoint.

First I must confess, I've become a Twitter snob. Are you? You might discover you're one too and didn't know it. Why do I say I'm I a snob? Well, for the simple reason that I don't "follow" everyone who follows me. Kind of rude isn't it? In my defense there's a psychological force at work on me. It's called consensus, also known as social proof.

Consensus is the psychological principle whereby people look to others for clues on how to act. That gets heightened when we are not sure what to do. So I'm new to Twitter, fumbling around not knowing what to do and I look to see what others are doing. I've received notification that people or organizations are following me so I pop over to their Twitter home page to see what's up. Here's where consensus comes into play which leads me to a question for you. If you saw "Following 1,567" and "Followers 138" would you be like me and wonder, "Why are so few people following this person?"

It's not that 138 is a small number; after all, we all have to start somewhere. The problem is that 138 is a small number compared to 1,567. We naturally compare and contrast to gauge things. It's no different than looking inside a small restaurant, seeing a large crowd, people waiting and all the tables filled. I don't know about you but when I see that I naturally assume it must be a good place. By contrast, when you pop your head into a large place and see more empty tables than full ones it's easy to conclude something must be wrong with the food, service or something else. In reality there may be more people in the big restaurant but you don't really notice that. In both cases we're influenced by groups, or lack of, and that is heightened when comparing it to the number of tables.

At first I felt bad not following someone who followed me. My feeling bad goes to another principle of influence, reciprocity, which tells us we should respond in kind when someone does something for us. Someone smiles at us and we smile back or they do something for us and we feel obligated to return the favor. So naturally, when someone follows us on Twitter we feel somewhat obligated to follow them back.

So what's a person to do if they find themselves in a follower deficit? Again, I'm no Twitter expert but here are a few things that come to mind:

• Friends and Family - Use the AT&T strategy and try connecting with people you know so they'll follow you and you can build up that number.
• Sympathy - Start sending messages to some of those you follow to tell them you made a mistake and ask them to start following you.
• Slow Down Cowboy - As people do start following you, don't be so quick to follow back for a time so you can even out your "following" and "follow" numbers.
• Last Resort - If all else fails, set up a new Twitter account and be more careful as you build up your followers. This might seem like a hassle but it will be worse to go months, maybe years and never see many followers.

Again, I don't claim to be an authority on Twitter, that's why I needed a book! However, I know enough about social influence to realize when people are shooting themselves in the foot. By the way, feel free to follow me on Twitter or become my friend on Facebook. Links to both are on the side of the Web site.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes!"