The 7 Best of the Best

This week's post is a little different. Rather than going with a new post on Dale Carnegie advice I'm going with "The 7 Best of the Best" for a couple of reasons. First, I have a lot of new readers and I'd like to expose them to some prior posts folks seemed to really enjoy.

Second, with the Thanksgiving holiday I didn't want to work too hard because it was time to enjoy friends and family. I hope you took time to relax and give thanks too. So here goes, in no particular order, seven interesting influence posts. I hope you find them humorous, entertaining and most important, informative.

Reverse Psychology and the Vacation Bathing Suit
Okay, maybe I wasn't completely ethical when I tricked Jane into buying the bathing suit I liked for vacation but I think you'll agree, it's a funny story.

My Best Parenting Advice
Want your child to be better behaved or smarter? Here's a great tip to make one, or both, of those happen.

Why Influence is about PEOPLE
Learn about Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical.

Fanzese or Frazetta: Do Names Really Matter?
Did Dennis become a dentist because of his name? Did Mary move to Marysville because of the association with her name? Science says it's very likely.

What Chevy Chase Didn’t Do Before Vacation
Don't make the mistake Chevy Chase did before vacation and lose business as a result. Find out what you need to do before you leave the office next time. Timely advice with Christmas just around the corner.

“Because I Said So” Mom or Dad
One simple word can make you significantly more persuasive and help you get what you want. Read on and find out...because I said so.

Golf Advice from Corey Pavin
It didn't matter that I said it first, Jane only paid attention when Corey Pavin said it! Sometimes it's not what's said but who says it that really matters.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, thank you to all of you who follow Influence PEOPLE each week. I'm amazed that people in nearly 70 countries have read what I write each week! I enjoy writing this blog and it makes my day when I hear you enjoy reading so if you have comment, click on the comment link below and let me know what you think.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes!"

Why Black Friday is One of the Biggest Shopping Days of the Year

Is Black Friday the biggest shopping day of the year? Retailers and the media might lead you to believe so but that may not be the case, at least according to one Wall Street Journal blog. Whether it is or isn't, Black Friday is one of the biggest shopping days and by the time you read this it will be just days away.
Yes, Friday November 27th, a.k.a "Black Friday," will be the unofficial start of the Christmas season as throngs of people make their way to malls all around the country trying to get the best deals possible on holiday gifts.

It's not too much of a stretch to say people will act like crazed fans at a football game or soccer match. It's not uncommon to hear of people coming to blows over items, pushing each other out of the way to get to toys, trampling one another and in one very unfortunate case a man actually died as a result of the shopping frenzy. That's right, last year a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death as shoppers pushed their way into the store. So much for the season of giving and the spirit of joy!

What causes seemingly normal people will do some very abnormal things in hopes of getting the right gift or best deal? Why would someone stand in line for hours waiting for a store to open when they could visit that same store almost any day of the week? And why to people get up hours earlier than they normally would on their day off?

I contend the madness is because of scarcity, the psychological principle that tells us people value things more when they appear to be less available. This almost automatic response can be triggered by time constraints and competition for a limited number of items.

Black Friday taps into scarcity using the time constraint because it's one day a year. Miss it and you might have missed the best deals of the season. But then again, you might not have missed out because sales only seem to better as Christmas approaches and retailers look to unload merchandise. Nonetheless, over the years the lure of Black Friday has increased immensely and retailers have taken advantage of the popularity of Black Friday by opening earlier and earlier each year. This year some stores will open at 12:00 AM, the moment the clock strikes midnight because Thanksgiving will be over and it will officially be Friday.

Competition isn't limited to the playing field or court. No, when it comes to shopping competition is alive and well, fed into by retailers. Here's how the competition part works - no longer is it good enough to just get to a store because if you are not there when the store opens they might run out of the thing you want. Limited availability is different than limited time so while you might have all day Friday to shop, certain items, those marked "While Supplies Last" or "Limited Availability," might be gone by the time you arrive at 5 AM or 6 AM. Can't let that happen now, can we?

It's amazing how people respond because little Jimmy probably doesn't remember that great toy you got him three years ago, the one you headed to the mall at 4 AM to buy. And sweet Sally probably can't tell you which American Girl doll you got her when she was eight years old but it's a good thing you stood in line for several hours to pay for it.

Here's another eye opener. People will say, "But I saved $200!" Saving money is great but many of those same people would not drive across town to save $200 on a car because a $200 savings on a $20,000 car by comparison isn't worth the extra time and effort. So they spend four hours negotiating a car deal, could go across town and maybe spend another four hours to save $200, but they don't. Sure, it's an eight hour investment but many of those same people will spend more than 12 hours at the mall just to save $200. It doesn't make much sense when you lay it out like that but then again, people are Predictably Irrational as Dan Ariely wrote about in his book by the same title. By the way, the real value of the car savings would be closer to $260 because of the interest over the life of a 5%, five-year loan.

So where am I going with all of this? I'm not going to tell you not to shop. For some people Black Friday shopping has become as much a holiday tradition as Thanksgiving, getting a Christmas tree and listening to holiday music. I'd only challenge you to consider if it's really worth the hassle - the lost sleep, extra time as the mall, traffic, fighting for a parking space, the disappointment when someone bought the last item you wanted, etc. I could go on and on but you get the point. Just think for a moment, "Would I normally respond this way? Do I want to respond this way?" Then decide what you want to do next.

If you know you're going to give into the madness then I'll try to save you a little bit of time by giving you the Black Friday web site so you can get a sneak peak at some of the deals that will be out there. Before all the craziness starts I'll end with this - I hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving and a safe time no matter what you decide to do.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes!"

Influence At Work

By now some of you have noticed I've been posting twice a week. I'm going to make an attempt to have a short Thursday morning post each week to let you know about other resources that might interest you.

Some people might wonder why I'd promote someone else's work, especially if it's in the same field as mine. I've come to learn in the online world the principle of reciprocity is king. You help others, promote them, and they usually do the same for you. The online pie is plenty large enough that no one has to worry about getting their fair share.
This week I want to point you to Dr. Robert Cialdini and his organization, Influence At Work. Many of you reading this know he's the reason I became so intrigued with influence and ultimately started this blog. If you want to read more about my association with him click here.

Dr. Cialdini and several of his associates have a blog called Inside Influence Report. I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on t.v., but these guys are doctors - in the field of social psychology - so they're worth listening to when it comes to mastering influence and persuasion. They do the social science research, dissect other scientist's research and break it all down so you can use the information to be more a more persuasive person. I highly recommend you check out Inside Influence Report for great insights on influence and persuasion.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes!"

A Rose by Any Other Name

Probably one of the most famous lines ever penned was from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” The saying conveys this – what really matters is what something is, not what we call it. It’s true that a rose would smell no different had we called it anything else.

But, names do matter, even if they don’t change the thing being described, because they change us and how we think and respond. Here’s a nice example; Chilean Sea Bass, a popular dish, wasn’t such a hot seller when it was referred to by its real name, the Patagonian Toothfish. That name’s not too appealing and fish eaters didn’t think so either. Ah, but sales took a turn for the better when it was renamed because Chilean Sea Bass sounds interesting and exotic.

Let’s focus on Dale Carnegie now because he said, “The sweetest sound to anyone is the sound of their own name.” We’ve all met people who wish they’d have been given a different name. Johnny Cash made that notion famous when he sang about A Boy Named Sue. However, despite complaining, most people who wish they had a different name will never change their name.

Making it a point to use someone’s name can help you win friends and influence people for lots of reasons.

Most people get a sense of importance when their name is used. This makes me think about my college days when I worked as a valet a Muirfield Village Golf Club, the place where Jack Nicklaus hosts The Memorial Tournament each year. One summer a car pulled up and as I opened the door one of Jack’s very close friends, a founding member of the golf course, got out of the car and what he did next I’ll never forget – he simply said, “Thanks, Brian.”

As I type this I still remember how this important man, Jack Nicklaus’ friend, using my name made me gasp a little. I couldn’t believe he knew who I was. Then I noticed my name badge, the one worn by all valets. But that didn’t change the reality of how I felt and that I still remember it 25 years later!

If you want to make someone feel important, maybe even make their day, try using their name. Give it a shot next time you’re checking out at the grocery store or use your server’s name when you eat out next time. I bet you’ll also get better service in both instances.

Using another person’s name also creates sense of relationship. Once when I was traveling I stopped in a TGI Friday’s for dinner. The server behind the bar came over, said, “Hi, I’m Ron. What’s your name?” Then he stuck out his hand to shake mine. As we shook I told him my name and he replied, “Brian, I’ll be your server tonight. If you need anything just let me know.”

Each time Ron came by to check on me it was, “How is everything, Brian?” or, “Can I get you another beer Brian?” Whenever he addressed me it was by name. So there I was in a different city, sitting in a restaurant where I didn’t know anyone but I felt like Ron and I were friends. I have to believe he enjoyed his job a little more because he felt like he was waiting on friends. And I’m sure he got much better tips too because he engaged Liking.

One more reason to use people’s name is simply this; it gets their attention. Imagine you’re at a crowded event where there’s lots of background noise and talk going on. You’re not paying any particular attention until you hear your name. It’s amazing how good your listening becomes at that point as you try to figure out if it’s you someone is talking about.

This applies to email too. Several years ago I sent an email to about 300 people who’d been through some training I’d conducted. In the email I asked for some success stories but got none! I didn’t hang my head and think the training was ineffective because I knew it was good stuff. I concluded the culprit was a psychological phenomenon known as “diffusion of responsibility.” Because my email wasn’t addressed to anyone in particular, everyone thought someone else would respond and ultimately no one did.

So after about a week of no replies I changed my method. The next communication was a “personalized” email. Using the Microsoft mail merge feature I simply included people’s first names from my training database. Rather than print letters I merged into an email so 300 separate emails went out in the span of about two minutes. Each person’s name was at the top and I asked a question about the training. The result – within a week I had 125 replies and got dozens of great success stories! Taking away the impersonal nature and including a question was all it took.

So to quote Dale Carnegie, “Remember their name,” because this engages Liking and builds relationships.

Have you found it to be the case that you feel and act differently when people use your name? Have you seen people respond differently to you when you use their name? If you answered “yes” to yourself on either of those leave a comment below so we can learn more.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Listen to Influence Tips on CinchCast

A Facebook friend, Ardy Skinner, author of The Lavish Cheapskate, turned me on to a very cool tool I want to share with all of you. CinchCast is a website that allows you to record messages from your phone and share them with others over the Internet. Ardy broadcasts 1-2 minute tips to help you find ways to stretch your dollar and live "lavishly" while spending like a "cheapskate." To listen to some of Ardy's helpful advice click here.

Knowing some people learn best through listening, I decided to add CinchCast as a new way to share influence tips with folks. On my site, www.CinchCast.com/BrianAhearn, I now broadcast a 2-3 minute "Influence Tip of the Day" every Monday through Friday. Take a moment to visit my page to see and hear what I'm talking about. As I record tips I categorize them according the six principles of influence and add a written comment concerning each tip so you can easily find what you want to learn about most.

If you like what you hear and listening is your preferred learning method then sign up as a follower on CinchCast and you'll get an email reminder whenever I post a new tip. I realize not everyone is into following blogs so if you know someone who might enjoy learning through listening, I'd really appreciate it if you'd take a moment pass this along help me spread the word.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes!"

Smile! It's Like Milk, It Does Your Body Good

So we’re on the topic of liking, doing things differently so more people will like you and in the process you will come to like them. Last week we explored the idea of becoming genuinely interested in people and this week we move to a one word piece of advice – smile. That’s right, smile.

Sounds easy enough but it’s not for everyone, especially me. When my father-in-law first met me his comment to Jane was, “Your friend seems so serious.” To put it in perspective, I did meet him at a wedding so I was wearing a suit and wanted to make sure put my best foot forward. And, I had a hunch very early after meeting Jane that I wanted to marry her so I was nervous.

For people who don’t know me I may come across as serious, a little aloof and intense at times. Some people might even say “stern.” However, once people get to know me they probably wonder if I’m ever serious. Just ask my father-in-law now!

Enough about me, let’s get on with smiling. What happens when you make eye contact with someone and smile? Most of the time they reciprocate, respond in kind and smile back. It’s like a yawn, a little contagious but you don’t get sleepy. Mother Teresa said, “Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”

Another effect of smiling, unless it’s insincere, is that you feel good. Quite often our mood follows our actions. For example, if you’re feeling down in the dumps, the worst thing you can do is sink further into the couch or a chair. The best thing is to get up and move.

A story to show changing your body can change your attitude came from a good friend, Anthony Tormey, founder of the Leader Development Institute. Anthony said he used to skip around base when he was in the Air Force. Yes, he would skip around base because he said it was hard to be anything but happy if you were skipping.

The same logic applies to smiling. Make the choice to smile and quite often the feelings follow. It’s like milk; it does a body good! In fact, here are some additional benefits to smiling:

• You are more attractive and look younger. Perhaps with a really nice smile you won’t have to spend so much on accessories to look good or spend quite as much time at the gym.
• You appear more confident. Power ties are okay for work but a confident smile will work 24x7.
• It lowers your blood pressure and helps you relax. We have enough stress in our lives and we’re always looking for ways to lower it so here’s a great one.
• It helps you maintain a positive attitude. Everyone likes to be around upbeat people and this is one more way to become that kind of person.

Who would you rather be around, the attractive, youthful, confident, relaxed person who is always upbeat? Or, the tired looking person lacking confidence, who is always under stress and sees the negative in most things? It’s a no brainer, of course, so make the right choice!

One thing you can do to help is to keep a mirror near your phone at work. This is a common technique for people who make a living on the phone. Why do this? It’s easy to not think about how you appear when you’re on the phone and even though people can’t see you, your attitude comes through in your tone of voice. A glance in the mirror might be all it takes to make the choice to show your pearly whites.

I’ll close with some quotes that will hopefully bring a smile to your face.

• “It is impossible to persuade a man who does not disagree, but smiles.” -- Muriel Spark
• “People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.” -- Lee Mildon
• "All people smile in the same language.” -- Anonymous
• “If you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it.” -- Children’s song

Have a great day and share it with someone by giving them your smile. If you have a smiling story to share, feel free to leave a comment...it will make me smile.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Lessons from Leonidas the Spartan King: Why Shrinking Your Business is Smart

I received another invitation from Mike Figliuolo at thoughtLEADERS, LLC to write and article for his blog. Because Mike's been a huge help to me when it comes to blogging I jumped at the opportunity to reciprocate and help him. Some of you will recall Mike wrote a piece for me last month called An Influence Shortcut - What do you have to believe?

Lessons from Leonidas the Spartan King: Why Shrinking Your Business is Smart
I conducted a workshop recently called Principles of Persuasion. During a break, one of the students said she’d had a conversation with her five-year-old son and expressed parental surprise over something he said. She told him she was going to a meeting about leadership at work. He told her they had talked about leadership at school and he knew what a leader was. He said leaders were people who had followers. Simple and to the point, his definition was right on. Out of the mouth of babes! Click here to read the rest of Lesson from Leonidas the Spartan King: Why Shrinking Your Business is Smart.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear "Yes!"

Quit Trying to be Interesting and Get Interested

Dale Carnegie noticed six easy things any of us can do to get people to like us. Before we dive in, let me start by saying, it’s not so much about us getting others to like us as much as it's about us coming to like them. For example, if I interact with you, I can do things to try to make you like me and you’ll probably see right through it. You’ll feel as though I’m using a cheesy sales technique. Or I can go into a situation with the mindset that I want to make friends and enjoy the people I interact with. Now I might do the very same things but people see the sincerity of someone who really wants to like them and that makes all the difference.

So the first thing we’ll look at is the advice to become genuinely interested in other people. In other words, quit trying to be interesting and get interested.

A few weeks ago I mentioned everyone’s favorite radio station WIIFM, call letters for “What’s In It For Me.” This is the preoccupation of most people’s thoughts. Reality check – people are more concerned about themselves than they are about you. If you want to come to know them, like them and perhaps have them like you then don’t fight it. Carnegie said we could make more friends in two months than we could in two years by becoming interested in others rather than trying to be interesting.

Sounds easy enough but what’s that look like, being interested in others? First thing I’d say would be give them your full attention. If you’re meeting with them in person that means maintaining eye contact and displaying body language that indicates you’re open to them and what they’re sharing. Don’t sit back, arms folded, legs crossed with a blank expression. All it takes is a smile, head nod to indicate agreement and perhaps a slight lean forward. I bet you can do each of those things.

If you happen to be on the phone stop everything you’re doing…including looking at your computer. Ask yourself, “If the person was sitting in front of me would I be doing what I’m doing right now?” If the answer is no then stop whatever you’re doing so you can pay full attention. Take notes if for no other reason than to focus on the other person and what they’re saying.

How about this; don’t listen to respond, instead, listen to understand. That means you’re not jumping in each time they take a breath so you can share your thoughts or your stories. The more natural thing would be to ask questions to learn more about them or what they happen to be talking about.

Here’s an idea -- you can take the initiative and talk about something you know is important to the other person. Perhaps you've heard they are into gardening. If you’re like me that may be something you have no interest in but you can still ask them about it because it’s important to them. How do people feel when they talk about something or someone they love? How do they feel when they talk about causes they’re passionate about? What about fond memories? You’re probably thinking, “Of course they feel good when they recall such things and talk about them.” Bingo!

When people talk about what they love or what they’re passionate about they feel energized and good. Eventually they come to associate those positive feelings with you. Think back to a time when someone said or did something that hurt you. If they did it repeatedly you probably tried to avoid that person. On the flip side, when you had good, positive interactions with people you began to associate good feelings with them and wanted to be around them. It’s the same deal here, only this time you’re making a more strategic decision to engage the other person on their terms in hopes of engaging the liking principle.

This strategic decision is an important one. When I interview people I typically ask for a strength of theirs and most often I hear something like, “I have great relationships with my agents and CSRs.” So people are aware relationships are important but they usually fall flat when I follow up with this question, “Suppose you get this job and you’re going to visit your assigned agents for the first time. What will you do to connect with them as quickly as possible so you can build a strong working relationship quickly?” This is where people stutter and hesitate. It’s easy for them to sense when someone likes them but they’re not always sure why that’s occurred.

Understanding a simple concept like becoming genuinely interested in others and making it a focus of your interaction will help you become a more likable person. Never underestimate the power of liking. Jeffrey Gitomer put it best when he said, “All things being equal, people want to do business with their friends. All things not being so equal, people still want to do business with their friends.” Being a good friend will get you the benefit of the doubt every time, whether professionally or personally.

If you've had success making friends with a strategy like this, or some other way, leave a comment below to let me know about it.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”